Everyone thinks fresh air and sunshine are healthy for you-mind, body, and soul. But I am here to tell you to stay inside at ALL COSTS. Avoid the sun and pool and people and enjoying yourself or else you’ll be sitting at your desk itching a lobster burn like I am. Also, my make-up has either melted off or has been absorbed into my skin because of the heat I am radiating.
Okay, so no, don’t always stay inside, because sunshine and fresh air ARE good for you, but be careful. I am currently sitting at work, almost in tears because of how much my sunburn hurts. And itches. And draws unwanted attention (yes, I know I’m burned, no need to tell me. Coworkers suck). And everything I tried on this morning rubbed the burn (the wrong way).
Yesterday I laid out for a short amount of time in my book (obviously too long), and when I went back inside, I looked like that muscle-y lobster who is always on the beach in SpongeBob (you know the guy). And although I am not as bulked as he is, I share the same color tone.
I did everything I could think of to soothe my pain-cold shower, dabbed milk all over myself because I read that helps (may I suggest doing this before the shower, or else you’ll smell like spilled milk and that is something to cry over. Also, use 2%), lathered myself in hemp lotion from HEMPZ (product placement, booyah), Snapchatted some friends a picture of my sunburn line on my boobs (username: macksboot), and put on the loosest pajamas I own. Then I laid down in my bed and cried through the pain. I don’t know the science behind any of what I did, but it seemed to work a little. The milk was refreshing and the lotion gave me welcomed chills – I needed to cool down, you see – the pajamas gave me comfort, and the tears provided a nice pool of water to wallow in.
I should have worn sunscreen. A common after thought of mine.
“Oh, I don’t burn, I bronze.” I am a filthy liar. I burn, and I burn RED HOT.
PLZ people, I am begging you, wear sunscreen, a hat, a parka, sweats, a long sleeve, a mask, an umbrella, and maybe even a tent. This should suffice. Stay white, my friends, stay happy.
See below for a picture of me rn.
Photo courtesy of Nickelodeon